Congratulations! You’re about to be a new parent, and people are asking when they will see the new baby. The COVID-19 pandemic ushered in a new way of interacting with people, especially when sick or immunocompromised.
Your newborn will have few defenses against germs, but grandparents, aunts, and uncles want to hold, kiss, and cuddle them. Aunt Rose has many ideas about pacifier use, and your mother-in-law doesn’t want you to breastfeed.
So, how do you establish baby boundaries and tell visitors and family members what is and is not okay?
We have some tips to help you navigate the sometimes murky waters of family relationships when establishing baby boundaries as new parents. We know it’s hard to tell Aunt Rose no kisses. Or telling your mother you’re not using a bottle when she insists that’s the only way you would eat.
Establishing clear and essential guidelines and boundaries ahead of time will benefit everyone and, hopefully, prevent any feelings from getting hurt!
Make and Announce Visiting Guidelines
Months before your baby is due, sit down with your partner to discuss your baby boundaries. Decide who and when visitors will be allowed to see your newborn and under what circumstances, for example, at the hospital versus the house. Once you decide on your guidelines, tell people what is expected of them.
You may require all visitors to wear masks, have a Tdap vaccine, and wash their hands before holding the baby. If people refuse, it’s okay to refuse them to see the baby.
It’s also okay to have no visitors for the first few weeks. And by no visitors, we mean grandparents, too, if that’s your decision. However, ensure everyone knows the expectations so no feelings are hurt.
Of course, you don’t need to make a full-service announcement to everyone you know. However, immediate family and close friends should know when you will allow visitors and who can come first. You are not under any obligation to let people meet your baby before you are ready.
Likewise, if you’re depending on help from family or friends in these first few weeks, you’ll need to decide who that is and when that help starts. There’s no right or wrong way to introduce your baby to the world, so go with whatever works for you!
Be Transparent About Your Baby Boundaries
You should never have to defend your parenting decisions to loved ones. But being transparent and open about why you’ve set specific baby boundaries can help people understand. For example, if you have a “no kissing” rule, explain that kisses spread germs, and a newborn doesn’t have the immune system to fight them off yet.
Or, if you’re not letting the baby use a pacifier, explain that you want them to learn how to properly latch on the breast before introducing the pacifier. Be prepared to explain the why behind your decisions so you can sound confident!
Explaining your rules and decisions behind them doesn’t mean others will agree with you, but it can help them understand where you are coming from and hopefully respect your choices.
Talk with Potential Caregivers (Like Grandma) About Your Parenting Vision
If your family members or grandparents will share in the caregiving duties regularly, it’s essential to cue them into your parenting vision. They will undoubtedly have their own views and ways of doing things, so it’s up to you and your partner to let them know how you wish things to be done.
These discussions should be held long before the baby arrives, or someone is expected to help out. You want time for questions and clarifications. And remember, if grandma is helping out, be grateful even if she doesn’t always do things exactly how you wish.
If and when a big line is crossed, for example, if she puts rice cereal in your baby’s bottle, and that’s a big no-no, then calmly restate the guidelines and explain why you’re not making that decision; there is no evidence that adding rice cereal helps a baby sleep longer, and breastmilk provides all the nutrients they need until they are six months old.
It’s crucial to stay firm and consistent when establishing boundaries. For example, you could say, “Mom, I love when you babysit, but I need you to follow our feeding rules, or I won’t be able to have you babysit again.”
Be Prepared for Advice
From the moment people find out you’re expecting, they will offer advice. Everyone seems to have their own ideas on bottle versus breast, sleep training, swaddling, pacifiers, solid food, and cloth versus disposable diapers. Listen openly to what people say. Then, sift through the information to find what will work best for you.
Remember, most people have your best intentions at heart. So, while it can feel maddening to receive constant advice, smile and listen in the moment. Once you make decisions on big-ticket items, such as a side sleeper bassinet versus a crib, you can share your baby boundaries and decisions with others.
It’s also crucial to remember that many of the people offering you advice have been down your road before. They want to help you avoid the pitfalls or mistakes they feel they have made. Generational knowledge is vital and culturally significant. Just becuase a piece of advice or a technique is “old-fashioned” doesn’t mean it won’t work!
Baby Boundary Quick Tips
- Discuss boundaries with your partner before your baby’s arrival
- Be transparent and honest with loved ones about expectations
- Stay firm and consistent if boundaries are crossed or ignored
- Share information before your baby’s arrival
- Be adaptable; you may change your mind
- Listen to the advice of others, but only use what works for you
Establishing boundaries with family and close friends can be uncomfortable, but ultimately, it saves you stress in the end. When you show you have clear and established guidelines for being around your baby, those who care will follow suit, even if they disagree. Your goal is to provide your baby with a safe and nurturing environment based on what you decide is best. Setting guidelines and sharing them ahead of time is one part of achieving that loving environment.
July 16, 2024, L. Elizabeth Forry